Today's Adventure

Last night I dreamed that
I was at a party for a friend, and another friend gave me a present. It was an old MP3 player, and when I pushed play, it was a recording of them telling me to get my shit together. Then when I looked at the playlist, it was full of motivational titles, and a few that were passive-aggressively motivational.

My interpretation of this dream, and I don't believe in interpreting dreams, was that I need to get my shit together, and I probably do have friends who care enough about me that they would help me with my shit. But that this is my problem, this is my roadblock.

I pull away when I fear rejection. So I make myself my own victim. It's weird, I know. I need to deal with that.

Today I have a new writing project, yay, and the added bonus of dealing with my period, which means that I'll get a break every hour on the hour to deal with an exploding tampon. It's also raining, so, I'll get some good, gloomy light if I want to record a vlog later!

It's been a week and a half since my dog's surgery. Can dogs become drug addicts? Because she still thinks she needs her pills twice a day. Or she needs the cheese I mushed them into... Either way, I think she's the problem because clearly people who become addicted are weak, but I'll also blame big vet pharma, while outlawing cheese. If she doesn't straighten up, I'll deliver some tough love and put her out on the streets so she can clean her act up. Of course, she'll probably start snuggling with random strangers and other homeless dogs for a treat, just feeding her addiction, until Animal Control pick her up, fine her, and return her to our home, where we will promise to get her help. Until the next time she gets a piece of cheese (her monthly flea pill) and the cycle will begin again.

In all seriousness, I do hope I can make some progress on this project. It involves creating a gif or two, and that's something so out of my comfort zone that I'm anxious already.

Lunch update: It's noon now, and I've managed to track changing my tampon, five times so far today--it's a bloody flood up in here. **is this a funny thought and positive? or a negative thought? I'm so fucked up, I don't even know anymore. I think it's funny.

Since I wanted to get some things accomplished today, I've managed to distract myself by bitching on Reddit and painting my nails. Then I had zero ideas about how to paint them, so I had to watch a YouTube tutorial, and now they are stripes with roses. They are very pretty! And this makes me very happy! Maybe after I upload a picture, I can get busy!

Well into afternoon. The gif aspect of my project is a stumbling block. See the one up there? Yep, it's easy to do if I just take a few pictures, but turning video into a gif is turning out to be huge. I cannot do it.

So, we're at 4:30, and I feel useless. I haven't gotten anything real done. I'm frustrated at my inability.

I did get some laundry done and clothes hung up, which is nice. I'm going to take a few minutes and try to focus on something good and positive, because right now I'm about to cry.

my nails are pretty, but sloppy. my clothes, for the most part are hung up, but I didn't have enough hangers. i did have enough supplies for my period

i'm stupid and can't figure out something simple, and don't have the knowledge or focus to get anything done

full on crying now

this is why I don't call or talk to anyone anymore. it's too hard to pretend that i'm productive. i just can't anymore.